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Jaide Senior Member
United States
306 posts Joined: Nov, 2001
Posted - 2005/09/02 : 20:50:45
For those who need instructions...
How to be a DJ Ho
Now that we have that down, let me give you some background. I've been around this crazy music for a good while and have seen a lot and heard a lot, and witnessed a lot of DJ ho's too. So, with my experience in hand, let me mold you into the best DJ ho. Gay, straight, bi… doesn't matter 'cuz DJs are traveling loners and they want some ass too.
If you are gonna be a ho, you can't be smart. In fact, as soon as you are done reading this, forget that you even know how to read. In order to practice being dumb, I'm going to make the steps really easy for you to follow.
1.Wardrobe
You can be wearing a turtleneck and jeans and still be a ho. However, most music people are the socially dense artsy/dorky type (myself included) so you are going to have to be a bit blunt; almost holding a neon sign that says 'get some ass here'. If you are a "lady", those backless numbers do real well along with a short skirt or a pair of those cheap vinyl pants with those stripper spikes that Pam Anderson wears on her feet. No matter what the weather, something that shows lots of boob and butt. An important detail is no underwear or at least an obvious thong.
For men, gay or straight, just dress well. Guys have it easy. Nice shirt, clean pants and groomed hands and hair. Don't be completely stupid, either. You have the short end of the stick there (so to speak). If they smoke, do. If they don't smoke, don't. You can never go wrong with a bit of game, a sophisticated pair of glasses, short hair and charming smile and stylish hoops in each ear along with an optional nice tattoo for good measure (err…wait.. I'm letting my personal preference get in the way here). Just take a shower, groom yourself and wear clean clothes and you're golden. However, if you are butt ugly you will have to turn up the charm a notch.
2. The Approach
You've landed, see the DJ is a looker- you already know they're good with their hands. Not much science left, is there? Just keep giving them the 'come hither' stares. Maybe even send a drink their way. Hanging out by the booth, dancing and staring all night is like writing "DJ HO" on your forehead; flirtatious yet blunt. While you're dancing make sure you dance sexy. Use your body like you're making dry love to the music. If you are a femme trying to attract a male, make sure to dance with another female. Guys love that shit and lick it up like beer. Just before you think his set has ended, run to the bathroom and do a vanity check. You don't want a booger hanging from the cave when you introduce yourself. The important part is to not approach the DJ right after their set. Don't race up there like some sort of eager teenager-that's for the amateur hoes. Just be sexy subtle. Patience is a virtue. While said DJ is talking to their friends after their set just slither up there and compliment them. With a constant "**** me" look in your eye, pretend to wipe sweat from your face or bust and offer to buy a drink. As you are walking to the bar make sure to work your ass. Also when non-hoes come to compliment them, act really involved because that's a sure fire way to mark territory.
3.The Attack
You can work this two ways: You can flirt until you turn blue and wait for them to get the magic clue and let them make YOU the proposition. Bat your eyes, touch their arm, pretend like you're remotely interested in what they are saying, keep glimpsing them over. Lick your lips too, but don't play with your hair too much or touch your nose. Option two doesn't take much brains, just some balls. Once they are good and drunk and on their ego high after playing to a crowd and landing an easy groupie (that's you), go for the kill and just tell them you want to take them home and make them your love puppet. Remember, you are dumb- so do what ever option is easiest.
4. The Nookie
So now you have DJ in your nest of love. I should have previously mentioned that you need to prepare your love nest. You may want to opt to lay some CDs or records around "casually" so you look like you care. Make it smell good but not obnoxious; and for god's sake please clean up the place a bit. Make some stomach stuff and Tylenol easily available in the bathroom because you know both of you are going to be feeling that alcohol in the morning.
If you aren't at your place, throw atmosphere out the window and just be as smooth as possible. "Freshen up" in the bathroom-it builds the anticipation.
If you want to take the slutiness one step further, don't give a damn at all and just go at it like two rabbits. Make sure you have "protection" too…'cuz that would suck (pun intended) and make you a dirty ho bag; not just a ho. Remember, if you treat them right they might even hand you off to some of their friends, so make sure to play your cards right.
5.The Departure
As seen in the classic documentary, "American Pimp", you are a ho, you aren't looking for love - just notches and credit.
If you are at your place act busy in the morning. Wake up before they do and get dressed and act like you have things to get done that day. Offer the phone to call for a ride. If you feel extra nice, you provide the ride. No cutesy breakfast the morning after because that could lead to conversation. You're dumb, conversation bad.
If you aren't at your place, get up and get yourself together and leave. If you want to feel overpowering, quietly leave before they do. It's your choice to leave the digits, but that just leads to thinking and you're stupid, so you don't want that.
You got your rocks off with DJ Superstar - so who gives a shit. You can bet they will brag to their friends about you; the wild night of ho love you two shared and how you were all over their body and how they made you scream to the heavens for mercy. You know this isn't the truth, but if you are going to be a loyal DJ ho, you'll stay true to this lie until your grave.
Uproar Advanced Member
United Kingdom
1,644 posts Joined: Aug, 2004
Posted - 2005/09/02 : 20:53:46
I must ask, WTF is a DJ Ho!!!!!!?????
__________________________________
"The thing I hate about you, Rowntree, is the way you give Coca-Cola to your scum, and your best teddy bear to Oxfam, and expect us to lick your frigid fingers for the rest of your frigid life."
milo Advanced Member
Canada
3,391 posts Joined: Sep, 2001
347 hardcore releases
Posted - 2005/09/04 : 15:45:58
DJ Rap look out...
__________________________________ http://milo.happyhardcore.com HappyHardcore.com/North American Hardcore Movement/Totally Sweet Radio/Hardcore Street Team
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Posted - 2005/09/02 : 20:50:45
