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Dj Reiko
Average Member
United Kingdom
209 posts
Joined: Feb, 2007
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 Posted - 2008/11/11 : 08:41:55
What does Osama Bin Laden and a pair of G strings have in common??
They both irratate Bush!!
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"When Will We Get Round To Love??"
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Future_Shock
Advanced Member
Australia
2,483 posts
Joined: Apr, 2007
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 Posted - 2008/11/11 : 13:27:34
This is one of those story jokes.
A businessman walks into a bar, having just had a really bad day at work.
He walks up to the bar and tells the bar tender
"i've had a really bad day, i want a glass of your finest 50 year old scotch, straight up."
The bar tender looks the man up and down, turns around and grabs a bottle of scotch, pours the businessman a glass and a napkin.
The businessman takes a sip and spits it out and gags.
"I said i wanted a glass of your finest 50 YEAR OLD SCOTCH. This takes like 10 year old scotch. Get me the real stuff, i'm not paying for this shit"
The bar tender raises his eyebrows, surprised the businessman could tell it was 10 year old scotch. The bar man reaches under the bar, and brings out an old bottle of scotch, and pours the businessman a drink.
The businessman gags and spits it out. "Argh this takes like 20 year old scotch. What did i JUST say? I want 50 year old scotch. Stop ****ing around, go out the back and get me a glass"
The bar tender concedes defeat and walks to the back room and comes back with a glass and hands it to the businessman.
The business man gags and spits out the drink. "what the ****! This tastes like piss!"
The bar tender says "Congratulations"
"Now tell me how old i am, smart ass"
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New Future Shock Hardcore: https://soundcloud.com/futureshockgroup
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gilead
New Member
United States
21 posts
Joined: Jun, 2006
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Posted - 2008/11/18 : 06:56:38
sweet i love these types of threads ok here are a few i've heard...
So you guys hear the one about the little cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?
One night the Famous French fighter pilot Jack Cusack was having dinner with Madam Fifi.
partway through dinner Fifi says to Jack " Would you like to kiss me on my lips?" Jack replied " Why yes i would" so he took some red wine from his glass and splashed some on her lips. Fifi was surprised and said " Jack! why for you do this? " Jack replied " i always have red wine with my red meat." and jack tenderly kissed her lips until the red wine was gone.
A little later Fifi said to Jack " Would you perhaps like to kiss me a little lower
?" Jack replied " Yes, anything to please Madam Fifi." So Jack unbuttoned Fifi's blouse and took off here bra. Then he took some white wine and splashed some on her chest. " Fifi again surprised asked " Jack why do you do this?" Jack replied " I alwasy have white wine with my white meat." so he tenderly kissed her until the wine was gone.
Then Fifi asked Jack, " Would you like to kiss me even lower?"
Jack replied " My pleasure comes form your pleasure Madam Fifi." So Jack took some brandy and threw it on her lad and lit it on fire. In a very excited state Fifi leaps out of her chair trying to pat out the flames while yelling " JACK WHY FOR YOU DO THIS TO ME!!" Jack replied " I am the famous French fighter pilot Jack Cusack and i only go down in flames!"
So this older lady staggers into a bar, obviously drunk, and walks up to the bartender ans says "Barkeep! Give me a Martoony!"
So the bartender makes up her drink and hands it to her and says "Here's your Martini ma'am."
Little bit later the lady says again "Barkeep make me another Martoony!"
So the bartender makes her drink again and says "heres your Martini Ma'am."
After some time goes by the bartender asks "Would you like another Martini before the bar closes?"
The lady says " No i got some heart burn from the last Martoony i had Barkeep."
The bartender then replies " Ok first off its BarTENDER not barKEEP, second it's marTINI not marTOONY, and lastly you dont have heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray."
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Look if everyone else is jumping off a cliff then there must be a damn good reason, so of course I'm going to jump too.
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Stevie c
Advanced Member
Belgium
3,836 posts
Joined: Dec, 2002
204 hardcore releases
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Posted - 2008/11/18 : 10:37:42
Why was 6 scared?
Cos 7, 8, 9.
What blue and square?
an orange in disguise.
If God is a bloke, then why did he put balls on the outside.
Some Christians were waiting for me after the show in the Bible Belt.
They shouted at me, 'Hey Bill we're Christians we didn't like your show'
I said...'Forgive me?'
Bill Hicks Comedic Prophet of our times.
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me white gloves and neon sticks leave an endless trail
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Ken Masters
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
3,447 posts
Joined: Feb, 2007
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Posted - 2008/11/18 : 15:48:44
 Some wicked jokes lads! Here's another
'A man peacefully sips a drink at his local & ponders his day at work when all of a sudden the man drinking @ the bar next to him takes a fall to the floor with an almighty *THUD* Feeling sorry for the drunken stranger, the man helps him back up to his seat where the stranger takes his original position of sleeping at the bar.
5mins later, the stranger hits the ground again with an almighty *THUD* & the man jumps to his aid once again. This time the Barman comes over & asks if the man will take the stranger home as his wife will be wondering where he is. Seeing the state the stranger is in, the man decides it might be for the best.
As the man leaves with the stranger he realises just how drunk the stranger is & tries his best to hold him up but the stranger hurdles to the floor again with an almighty *THUD* Again, the man lifts the stranger up & heads for his house but they only get about 20paces before *THUD* the strangers on the floor again! The Man does his best to pull the stranger from the ground & hobbles along with him once again barely getting 10paces before.......you guessed it. The stranger slams to the floor again with a *THUD*
When the Man finally gets the stranger to his door, battered & bruised & worse for wear, he rings the doorbell & the strangers wife answers. The man apologises on behalf of the stranger & tells his wife that he's had far too much to drink to which the wife replies......Wheres his Wheelchair?!?!?
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Future State Music
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Edited by - Ken Masters on 2008/11/18 15:49:25 |
gilead
New Member
United States
21 posts
Joined: Jun, 2006
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Posted - 2008/11/18 : 20:21:35
lol those are some good ones too.
ok here's some more
so this pilot decides to see how high his helicopter can go. So he starts to climbin altitude and he goes higher and higher and higher, then suddenly it starts to plumit from the sky. The copilot yells " WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!"
The pilot turns and says "It was too friggin cold so i turned the fan off."
So one day a blonde boards a plane on her way to New York from LA. She takes her seat and then a lawyer type sits down next to her. the plane lifts off and after a while the guy next to the blonde says to her "hey you want to play a trivia game to pass the time?" The blonde says "No thank you, I want to try and get some rest." the guy not use to taking no for an answer then says " Come on it'll be really fun you cant loose If i ask a question that you cant answer you give me 10 dollars, but if you ask a question that I can't answer I'll give you 100 dollars. So how about it?" The blonde thinks for a second and says "ok fine."
So the Lawyer asks "How far is it from here to the moon?" The blonde reaches into her purse and pulls out a ten and gives it to him.
Lawyer then says "Well it's 382,500 km. ok your turn" thinking that what ever she asks hell be able to answer it, i mean come on she's blonde how hard could her questions be?
The blonde thinks about it for a bit then asks " What goes up the hill with three legs but comes down with four?"
The lawyer though about it for a bit then got his lap top out and searched all over the web and emailed his doctor and lawyer friends and after about an hour still didn't have an answer. so the lawyer reached into his pocket and pulled out a 100 and gave it to her. the blonde took it and went back to sleep.
the lawyer a little miffed about it asked "So what's the answer?!"
The blonde reaches in to her purse and gives him a ten.
One day a guy goes to the doctor because he is having some back pain. After running some tests the doctor tells the man that his testicles are pushing up on his spine and if not removed they could cause him to loose function of his legs. After some considerable thinking the man decides to have his testicles removed.
After the opperation the man was feeling a bit down so he decided to go and buy a new suit and maybe that would cheer him up.
He walked into the local tailor and said "hello I want to buy a new suit" the tailor looked at him and said " lets see looks like your a 45 chest 17 arm 38 waist and 32 leg." the man astonished said " well yes but how did you know that with out measuring me?" The tailor replied, " after 35 years in the business you know these things." The man the said "Wow thats amazing well come to think of it how about a shirt to go with the suit." the tailor replied " ok 17 neck."
the man again amazed asked, "how did you know?" The tailor replied " Like i said 35 years of expierience." the man's spirit was starting to livin as he saw him self in the new suitand then the said " how bout some new shoes as well." the tailor said " 10 wide" the man dumbfounded asked " how did you know that?" the tailor said " 35 years in the buisness." the man was really starting to feel good seeing his new outfit the said " you know i think i should get some new underware to go along with all of this." the tailor said " 36" the man said " actually no i've worn a 34 for the past 15 years." the tailor replied "Trust me your a 36 if you ware a 34 that will push your testicles up on your spine and make you have horrible back pain."
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Look if everyone else is jumping off a cliff then there must be a damn good reason, so of course I'm going to jump too.
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rosin007
Senior Member
Norway
409 posts
Joined: Oct, 2008
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Posted - 2008/11/18 : 20:53:38
Hitler: I said I wanted a glass of juice, not gas the jews!
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"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement." - Mark Twain.
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hardcore anorak
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
971 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2008/11/18 : 22:41:34
whats the difference between a women and a fridge?... the fridge dont fart when u take the meat out
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Jay-Owen
Advanced Member
Belgium
1,437 posts
Joined: Aug, 2006
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Posted - 2008/11/23 : 15:14:52
Two men go camping in a tent out in the wilderness, and one gets bitten on the knob by a venimous snake. He shouts:
- QUICK, GO GET A DOCTOR!!
The other man runs to the town and finds a doctor. The doctor tells him:
- It's okay, don't worry, all you have to do is suck the poison out and your friend will live.
The man walks slowly back to camp, and when he sees his friend, he says:
- Doctor says you're gonna die...
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Jax
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
2,676 posts
Joined: Apr, 2005
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Posted - 2008/11/23 : 19:38:46
quote:
Originally posted by hardcore anorak:
whats the difference between a women and a fridge?... the fridge dont fart when u take the meat out
lmao thats quality
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Jay-Owen
Advanced Member
Belgium
1,437 posts
Joined: Aug, 2006
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Posted - 2008/11/24 : 17:03:19
How about some racist and anti-racist jokes to counter the balance?
Q: Why are there no arabs in Star Trek?
A: 'Cause Star Trek is set in the future
Two polish men named Ivan and Aleksander arrive in a tube stop, in London. The first is dressed in designer clothes, jewelry, and brandname trainers. The other is very poor. He asks his rich friend:
- Hey Ivan! How did you get so loaded?
- Easy! Just from beggin' in the tube station... Just get yourself a sign and a cup, and you're on the road to prosperity!
Two days later, Aleksander returns to Ivan, extremely pissed off. He says:
- Are you taking the piss? In two days, I made 3 quid.
- What did you write on your sign?
- 'My wife is in hospital, my children are starving. Please help' What was on your sign?
- 'I'm missing a fiver to go back to Poland'
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Edited by - Jay-Owen on 2008/11/24 17:05:07 |
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