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Lilley
Advanced Member
Australia
3,740 posts
Joined: Jul, 2006
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 Posted - 2009/01/05 : 12:57:33
A policeman is cruising past a pub after closing time when he notices two motorbikes still parked out front. He goes around the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the other's bum.
“What’s going on here?” he asks.
The biker replies “My friend here has had too much to drink and I’m trying to make him vomit.”
The cop says “I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!”
The biker replies “That’s what I’m going to do next!”
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A man is sleeping in bed when his telephone suddenly rings.
“Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”
“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”
“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.”
“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?”
“Si, Senor, that's the one.”
“Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”
“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.”
“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”
“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”
“Dead horse? What dead horse?”
“The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”
”My prize thoroughbred is dead?”
”Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”
“Are you insane? What water cart?”
“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.”
“Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man?!”
“The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”
“What the hell?” Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”
“Yes, Senor Rod.”
“But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”
“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”
“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?”
“Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade Super Quad 460 golf club.”
“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in serious trouble!”
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A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.
The first student raises his hand and says, "The sky is definitely blue".
The teacher replies, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green."
The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?"
The teacher looked at him and said, "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion."
So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
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nearly in line....
.....strange continuity problems
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Edited by - Lilley on 2009/01/05 13:01:10 |
DJ-Intensity
Advanced Member
United States
1,903 posts
Joined: Mar, 2008
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Posted - 2009/01/05 : 13:27:41
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DJ Intensity.
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Mental_Adam
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
845 posts
Joined: Feb, 2006
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Posted - 2009/01/05 : 13:49:29
TAXI
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Jay-Owen
Advanced Member
Belgium
1,437 posts
Joined: Aug, 2006
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Posted - 2009/01/05 : 17:34:24
The Penis Requests a Promotion:
The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- even has to work more at weekends and holidays
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.
Request Denied ... for the following reasons:
- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- needs continuous attention to perform at work;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work;
- sometimes leaves work, too early
Although it is noted that:
Often arrives much earlier than expected
Shows an inordinate keenness to work
Willing to work at extraordinary times without much persuasion
Happy to try out new jobs in different positions
Prefers working without any special clothing
Always happy to try alternative locations
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dee_licious
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
513 posts
Joined: Oct, 2006
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Posted - 2009/01/06 : 19:06:03
Hahahaha :D
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We all wanna be hardcore....
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