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charlieee
Advanced Member
Australia
1,422 posts
Joined: Dec, 2005
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 Posted - 2007/10/11 : 11:05:00
haha they are all gud keep them coming
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iv got a purple monkey dishwasher do u?
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kathryn
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
6,520 posts
Joined: Apr, 2005
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Posted - 2007/10/12 : 10:50:00
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?
Toothpicks?
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on
the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
18. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
19. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
20. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
21. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:
NAIVE
22. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
23. OK . so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
24. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea. Does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
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:)
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SPOOX
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
2,644 posts
Joined: Jul, 2006
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Posted - 2007/10/12 : 14:21:22
Pure quality. Had me laughing for ages.    
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kathryn
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
6,520 posts
Joined: Apr, 2005
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Posted - 2007/10/12 : 15:54:48
A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey's human family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the family.
"For a male brain, £500,000. For a female brain, £200,000," replied the vet.
All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"
"Standard pricing practice," said the vet. "The female brains have to be marked down because they.ve actually been used!".
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:)
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kathryn
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
6,520 posts
Joined: Apr, 2005
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Posted - 2007/10/12 : 15:56:19
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
[;p]
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:)
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kathryn
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
6,520 posts
Joined: Apr, 2005
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Posted - 2007/10/12 : 15:58:26
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them
all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out
alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature
anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that
you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to
make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the
do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old
for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
cheque books.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes,
it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
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:)
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kathryn
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
6,520 posts
Joined: Apr, 2005
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Posted - 2007/10/15 : 12:42:51
2 dwarfs pull two girls and take them home, first dwarf can't get it up and to make matters worse, all night he can hear the second dwarf saying here i come again... 1 2 3 uuh.. next morning the first dwarf says how embarassin i couldnt even get an erection, second dwarf say, u think that was bad i couldnt even get on the bloody bed!!!!!
pmsl
There was this drop dead gorgeous blond standing the bar,she felt a tug at her skirt,she looked down and there was this dwarf. He said to the blonde,"Can I smell your fanny?",to which she replied,"Certainly not!!".
"Uhmmmm",said the dwarf,"it must be your feet then". 
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This should cheer you lot up so i bumped it
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:)
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Edited by - kathryn on 2009/01/23 17:26:50 |
Kisstasy
Average Member
Canada
236 posts
Joined: Jan, 2009
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Posted - 2009/01/24 : 03:36:02
Hahah, I loved this.
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Ken Masters
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
3,447 posts
Joined: Feb, 2007
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Posted - 2009/01/24 : 03:52:33
quote:
Originally posted by kathryn:
1. Men are like ..Laxatives . They irritate the cr*p out of you.
2. Men are like..Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ..Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ..Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ..Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usualy head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ..Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ..Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ..Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ..Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion
10. Men are like..Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like..Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ..Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ..Parking Spots...... All the good ones are taken
Not that i'm not happy with mi stud muffin Stu
I love it, how after all that, you say all the good ones are taken!! 
Stu must be the diamond in the ruff! 
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Future State Music
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kathryn
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
6,520 posts
Joined: Apr, 2005
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Posted - 2009/01/24 : 08:13:23
quote:
Originally posted by djkenmasters:
quote:
Originally posted by kathryn:
1. Men are like ..Laxatives . They irritate the cr*p out of you.
2. Men are like..Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ..Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ..Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ..Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usualy head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ..Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ..Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ..Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ..Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion
10. Men are like..Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like..Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ..Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ..Parking Spots...... All the good ones are taken
Not that i'm not happy with mi stud muffin Stu
I love it, how after all that, you say all the good ones are taken!!
Stu must be the diamond in the ruff!
Stu is everything i want in a man and we are both so alike and it's all good
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